


Swim When It Hurts - Part One

by jaerie



Series: You Gotta Swim, Swim For Your Life [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha Harry, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anxiety, Beta Louis, But no major character death, Cancer, Caretaking, Chemotherapy, Comfort, Depression, Emotions, Happy Ending, Harry Has Cancer, Hiding Medical Issues, Hope vs. Despair, Hospitalization, Infertility, M/M, Medical Procedures, Nurse Louis, References to Knotting, Surgery, bad reactions to medications, discussions about death and dying, emotional descriptions of going through cancer treatment, its going to be a journey, medical complications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-14 21:38:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15398013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: Harry never thought he would find himself battling cancer.  Louis never thought he would find himself so attached to one of his patients.





	Swim When It Hurts - Part One

**Author's Note:**

> A few notes before you begin: the cancer that Harry has is made up but loosely based on a few real cases twisted to fit the abo world. Harry's experiences through chemotherapy are based on personal experiences with the treatment of ovarian cancer including the more dramatic moments– those things really happened. I think I needed to write them out to deal with them on some level, it's been theraputic. Please be aware that I have been very open in writing his whole journey through emotions and symptoms and side effects of treatment, it's not just implied. Keep this in mind if you are sensitive to these topics. Reactions to chemotherapy vary depending on the type of treatment and individual reactions on a wide scale. Not all cancer patients will experience the things described in this fic or to this degree. If you have any questions or would like to talk about anything addressed in this fic, feel free to contact me on tumblr [@jaerie](http://jaerie.tumblr.com). Let me know if there is anything I forgot to tag, I tried to cover everything I could think of. There is no major character death and there will be a happy ending. The sad part about writing a sad fic is that not many people will probably read this or give it a chance, but I've put a lot of myself into it and hope that at least a few people get something out of it. 
> 
> This is part one of Harry's story. Part two will be posted with a future Wordplay prompt. 
> 
> The idea originated from a post looking for fics where h or l were not able to pop a knot. I expanded on an ask that I received suggesting that the reason they couldn't pop a knot was due to an illness. That probably meant the flu or something but I'm dramatic and I really needed to write something emotional. 
> 
> The title is taken from Swim by Jack's Mannequin, a very fitting song for this au
> 
>  
> 
> This is part of a Wordplay prompt challenge that a group of us are participating in for the prompt "Unused". To read the amazing fics that were written by the others on this prompt, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/unused/works), and to see all fics written as part of the challenge, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/wordplay_fic_challenge/works) or find the masterpost for this year’s challenge here.
> 
> **I hate that this has to be said but here we go. I do not allow any of my works to be translated or reposted to any platform. This includes, but is not limited to, Wattpad, Tumblr, other AO3 accounts. Reposting and “giving credit” is not an authorized use of my content. Any translations or reposted material will be reported immediately.**

* * *

 

 

 

It all started with a bump.  

A little, annoying, mosquito bite swell of a bump.  It could have been a pimple, an ingrown hair, anything that would probably go away as quickly as he had noticed it.  Things like that often did. 

But it didn’t.  It became part of his anatomy that he just accepted after it had been there for a few months.  He would graze over the raised area with his thumb every once in awhile when he was jerking off, notice it when he took his time taking a piss. It was just there at the base of his penis, just under the swell of his knot.  He never thought much about it. 

Until his rut landed him in the hospital.  

It had been a rut just like any other in Harry’s young adult life.  He penciled it in on his calendar, requested leave from his job at the insurance agency and then stocked his apartment with water and prepackaged meals that he only allowed his body to ingest during desperate.  

His rut came over him in stages, just as it always had.  His thoughts started to become a bit hazy and fragmented as he watched a mindless marathon of Friends on tv, that was always the first sign.  Then came the sweats, the rage, the blinding lust that made him roughly fist his cock. All of it was familiar, well practiced after so many years and cycles had passed since he had presented as a late teen.  

It had been awhile since he’d spent one with an Omega, not since his last long relationship had ended more than a year before.  They’d separated when they graduated uni, headed to opposite ends of the country, but they hadn’t been together long enough to give up dreams for one another.  Harry had been okay with that. 

Embarrassed to admit it casual conversation, Harry really liked to self-indulge during his ruts.  As soon as he had been old enough, he’d splurged for the fancy fleshlights and molded silicone omega holes, spending the entire cycle balls deep in whatever he could knot if he wasn’t spending it with someone special.  Harry was a sensual person, always had been. He craved touch, even his own, and had never viewed his ruts as something he had to suffer through like so many other alphas did. With every cycle, he got more excited for the time in his life when he would finally be in the right relationship to share all of it with his omega, not just any, but  _ his. _  Many of his daydreams were often filled with dirty– but loving– thoughts of sharing those sensations and experiences together.  He couldn’t wait to finally trust someone enough to really let that side of him loose. 

So just like any other rut, he had gathered up all those fantasies for another enjoyable week of excuses to do nothing but jerk off, knot his toys, and be a slave to his biology.  

Things had seemed a little different right from the beginning of the rut that started it all.  He felt a little too sensitive, his usual toys felt a bit too tight, his body felt a bit too sweaty.  They were all things he could explain away, things he just thought indicated that he was coming down with something.  

The air in his apartment seemed too hot and too humid.  He could barely breathe through it. Taking the next round to the shower, he fumbled with the knobs through his lust-filled haze, slipping under the stream only once the water was on the cool side of warm.  The body wash he was using as lube stung slightly when he rubbed it a little too deeply into his slit but it it just added to the effect and was getting the job done. He was coming in no time but his knot swelled up much slower than usual.  

He used both hands to squeeze around it, craving that pressure that always accompanied a good knot.  Unfortunately, he never had a chance to enjoy it. 

The pain was jarring, sharp and overwhelming and immediate once his knot had fully popped.  It was so strong that he blacked out, sliding down the tile into the tub where he awoke what could have been minutes or hours later.  The water was chilly and, instead of being refreshing, his body was shivering. 

Every shift of his body made the pain worse.  It took a dozen attempts to even slap his hand towards the shower controls to turn it off.  It took even more to finally grab the corner of one of his fuzzy towels. 

Once he was dry and warm enough to stop his uncontrollable shaking, he finally managed to position himself to look at the source of his agony.  

His dick was still hard, turned a shade of deep purple tinted red all the way down over his still inflated knot.  The area around the base of his dick was swollen as well, puffy like an allergic reaction up to his hip, much worse than a bad bee sting.  

He didn’t remember choosing a lube that he hadn’t used before but maybe he had.  Maybe they had changed ingredients or he had grown sensitive to it due to extended use.   His brain wasn’t functioning enough to find a logical explanation though he was impressed at how the pain cut straight through his rut whenever another stab shot through his body.  

It was a long and difficult crawl from the bathroom, but somehow he made it to where he had stashed his phone.  He had no choice but to call the emergency line and wait for the humiliation that would come with being found in such a state.  There was no way he would be able to drive himself. Even if the pain hadn’t been so blinding, his mind still swam with hormones that made everything feel like his head was stuffed full of cotton.  

Before long, he found himself in a hospital gown hooked up to an IV drip and monitors for his vitals.  It didn’t take much time to realize that something in his drip was a hormone blocker, rut symptoms draining away.  He knew they weren’t safe for long term use and it made him nervous that they thought it necessary to artificially stop his rut for whatever was wrong with him.  

His dick was still hard, tenting the light fabric of his gown obscenely as he watched reruns on some channel that someone had turned on to drone along in the background.  It took hours for a doctor to finally arrive and, after a nurse had asked him every fifteen minutes if he was sure he hadn’t taken viagra like he would suddenly just admit that he had, it seemed like the doctor’s late arrival wasn’t a coincidence.  They’d thought he needed to suffer a little to learn his lesson about taking pills. Harry just wanted to know what was wrong with his dick. 

He couldn’t help but be a bit smug when his blood tests came back without the presence of viagra but in a morbid sort of way.  He was still practically immobile from the pain that had only been dulled slightly by the medication dripping through his IV. 

It took almost twelve hours for his knot to go down.  That had to be some kind of record. It didn’t seem like something to brag about though when he looked underneath his gown to see that his groin and even lower stomach seemed abnormally swollen and the puffy base of his dick forced it to lay at an odd angle.  

The doctors ran some tests, poked and prodded, and before he knew it, he was being sent across town to the university hospital to visit a specialist without any details to why.  

Cancer.  

They thought it was cancer.  

They thought it was cancer and were scheduling him for surgery as soon as possible so they could be sure.  

Harry’s hand shook as he filled out the paperwork, hardly absorbing any of the information the Dr. Hershbaum was trying to tell him.  

“Before we move forward, have you visited a sperm bank?” 

Harry’s mind shorted out, freezing before looking up at his doctor.  He slowly shook his head after a moment, confused at the sudden turn in conversation.  

“Before we continue, I need you to bank your sperm.  If you can’t see far enough into your future to see that you may someday want to start a family, then I’m not the doctor for you.”  

Harry was still confused.  “I’m sorry, what?” 

“Harry,” Dr. Hershbaum leaned forward on his desk and folded his hands together.  Even the gesture was serious. “The ultrasound showed that you have a very complex tumor.  Even if the results come back from pathology that it is benign, it will still be very difficult to remove.  I can promise you that I will be as precise as possible and will attempt to leave you the least amount of damage, but I won’t know what I’m working with until I can get in there and see.”  

“So what are you saying?” 

“Harry, you have a progressive tumor that has affected your knot and surrounding tissue.  I can’t guarantee you that I won’t have to take part or even all of your knot at the very least.  If the results come back that it is cancerous, I will be aggressive in making sure we don’t leave any cancerous cells behind.  It is very possible you could be left infertile.” 

None of it felt real.  Even as Harry was jerking himself off– painfully– into a cup at the clinic did any of it seem real.  

Surely they were just being dramatic, give him the worst case scenario so he couldn’t sue them later.  That bump had been there for ages. If it were cancer, it would have done something long before. It wasn’t cancer.  It couldn’t be. 

 

—————

 

Harry was no longer a fan of hospitals.  There was always a certain smell that he couldn’t get out of his nose from the mixing scents combined with chemicals and decor that tried to seem homey but instead just felt insincere and out of place.  There was too much pain and suffering in hospitals and the aura that it created was palpable as soon as he passed through the automatic doors. 

Not to mention the fact that Harry, himself, was about to become another of pain and suffering’s long term tenants.  

It was his first day of treatment– he refused to acknowledge it as the chemotherapy that it was quite yet– and he was nervous.  

He’d let his family know about the surgery, but had downplayed it so much that they thought he was swiftly recovering with the whole thing already put behind him.  Both his mom and sister lived far enough away that it didn’t make sense for them to fly in just to spend the time sitting around in a waiting room and his dad was off on some business trip.  He had let them know when he was going in and then assured them he was okay once he’d come out. 

He blamed the residual effects of the anesthesia for not telling them what Dr. Hershbaum had found– a rare and aggressive form of knotescular cancer, stage III.  Instead he had babbled on about being fine and wanting ice cream and how the blankets seemed like they were crushing him. All of it was nonsense. 

In reality he had come out of surgery feeling butchered and spent the next few days in the hospital alone trying not to panic.  

Gemma had her career and husband and her kids at home.  He would never let her abandon any of that just to sit and hold his hand for a while.  His mom was still dealing with the death of his step father– from cancer. Harry couldn’t bring her into another battle when the last was still so fresh.  And his dad, he’d never been all that close to him. Not in a see-me-at-my-worst level, anyway. 

He’d made it work.  He took an Uber back to his apartment from the hospital once he’d been discharged, the same method as he had used to get him to the cancer wing of the hospital for the first time.  

The older ladies at the front desk were extra pleasant– no doubt placed in their positions on purpose– and Harry did feel welcomed by them.  It helped to ease his nerves just a little bit. 

Always one to be prompt, Harry realized that coming  _ too _ early to his first chemotherapy session had been a huge mistake.  The oncologist had taken him back as soon as he’d arrived, but that part had only taken about ten minutes.  His heartbeat raced just a bit faster with every patient they called back for the actual treatments and his palms became more sweaty each time he saw a new nurse with a clipboard.  

He was so lost to his anxiety that he didn’t even hear his own name called out until he saw a pair of bright pink Croc’s enter his vision where he had been purposefully staring at the floor.  

“Would you happen to be Harry?” a light and gentle voice asked and Harry followed the black scrub pants up to the Disney princess scrub shirt to a face that he wasn’t expecting–  a male nurse. 

“Croc’s are ugly,” Harry heard himself saying before he realized he was speaking and blushed brightly even though the man threw his head back and laughed in the purest way.  

“I’ll be honest with you.  I started wearing ‘em for the kids but they’re so damn comfy!” he smiled so hard his eyes crinkled at the corners and Harry smiled back.  Or at least he thought he was smiling if his muscles weren’t still paralyzed by anxious fear. 

“So Harry, my name is Louis and I’ll be with you during your session today.  Are you up to walking back with me and my Croc’s or would you like my Croc’s to push you in this wheelchair?  What are you feeling up for today?” 

Harry could tell that Louis was good at his job, offering the options without being condescending or making him feel weak, even though he was.  He’d been doing a decent job of getting around since the surgery a few weeks before, but he wasn’t sure if he could trust his balance right then with his anxiety on full blast.  Making it inside the building on his own two feet had happened before he started to psych himself out, he didn’t think he could get them to work anymore. 

Louis seemed to pick up on his hesitance and pushed the wheelchair closer and set the breaks before coming around to offer his hands.  Harry didn’t even have the energy to feel ashamed and took hold of both offered hands and gently set himself back into the wheelchair. He had  _ cancer  _ after all, he deserved to be babied a little bit.  That’s what he told himself, anyway. 

“Oh wait! My bag!” They’d only moved a few feet when Harry remembered the weekender bag he’d packed himself with anything he thought he might need.  His Kindle, Macbook air, a few comfort items, some snacks, a bottle of water, and a change of clothes– just in case. Even though he’d read the pamphlets and information sheets a thousand times, he still felt unprepared and unsure of what he’d need.  Anything he forgot, he’d have to write down to remember for the next time. 

The suite that Louis wheeled him to was nice.  It was more like a cubicle really, but the walls separating each little nook was tall enough that it took some effort to see the patient in the next one over.  It was as private as it could be in such a setting. There was a large window, though, that didn’t look out onto much but was a healthy distraction and let in some natural light that helped it to feel not so artificial.  

Without Louis’ help, he was able to walk the few steps on nervously shaking legs and set his bag down on the padded window seat.  The chair he would be in was a little more deluxe than that yet it made him wish times were simpler, that he was back at his grandma’s house with a young adult novel curled up in her window seat waiting for his mom to come retrieve him.  Cancer wasn’t even on his radar back then, just young AO romance novels that made him form dreamy thoughts about love and relationships. He might not even live long enough to have that anymore. 

“I’m not the type of nurse to lie to you and tell you that all this will be fine because none of this is a walk in the park, but you can’t go into it like that or you’ve already set yourself up for the worst case scenario.”  

Harry looked up quickly and found Louis stood with a sympathetic but firm expression.  He hadn’t meant to seem so melancholy and thought he’d been doing a good job of hiding it.  Either Louis had seen so many patients that it was easy to see or he wasn’t a very good actor like he’d thought and his family would be on to him if they weren’t already.  

“Sorry.  I haven’t had long to process this.”  

Harry sighed and let himself be guided to the hospital style recliner that looked like a hybrid of a hospital bed and maybe a dentist chair.  It was surprisingly more comfortable than he thought it would be. 

“Don’t apologize to me, it’s your journey.  I’ve just seen too many patients pass through who have given up before they’ve even started the fight.  I’ve also seen will power perform miracles.”

Louis spoke as he wrapped the blood pressure cuff around Harry’s arm with practiced ease, writing numbers down and entering things into the computer station just a couple feet away.

“Do you have any friends or family meeting you here that I can let reception know to send back?” Louis asked once he’d paused for a moment in his typing.  

Harry felt small in the chair as he shrank in on himself and looked down to his lap.  “No. I haven’t told anyone.” 

Louis’ lips pressed into a thin line but he seemed more worried than mad.  

“Having a support system is one of the most important parts of this process, Harry– I forgot to ask, may I call you Harry?”  Harry nodded once. “Chemotherapy is not only physically taxing but is emotionally draining as well. There must be some family that you can lean on?”  

Harry shook his head again and looked away.  Louis sat down on a rolling stool that he moved close to Harry’s side.  He’d never had a nurse that was so gentle, hardly feeling it when Louis slid the IV catheter into his arm after gloving up and poking around for a vein to use.  It was a comforting feeling to have someone so experienced looking after him. 

“My mom just lost her husband to cancer not even a year ago,” Harry let out a long breath and tried to calm his racing heart.  He was surprised that his blood pressure hadn’t read abnormal with the way it seemed to flux. “I saw what dealing with that for so long did to her.  It feels like she’s only just now starting to live again. I couldn’t do that to her. I can’t drag her down again.” 

Louis’ face seemed to soften a bit as he hooked up Harry’s IV to a bag of saline and tested the line.  

“I think it would probably be worse for her to find out later and be upset that she hadn’t been there to help you.”

Harry leaned back and looked up at the ceiling as his vision became obscured by tears.  Surely he wasn’t the first to cry during a chemo session and definitely wouldn’t be the last, but his hadn’t even started yet.  It wasn’t the kind of impression he wanted to make. 

“I’m not trying to upset you,” Louis said gently as he took Harry’s hand between his and offered a comforting squeeze.  “We’ll be right here if you need anything.  _  I’ll  _ be right here if you need anything.”  

Harry offered him what he hoped was an appreciative smile.  He couldn’t tell how it actually looked while he was trying to hold back tears.  

“I’m going to explain everything I’m doing as I do it.  I want and need you to be aware of the entire process so you can alert me if you’re feeling any differently.  If you have any questions along the way, please ask me. I’ll give you the best and most honest answer I can. I’m going to start you on some medications that will help with the side effects that come with this treatment, especially your first.  They will help to calm you down and help with the nausea that many feel with this cocktail.” 

Harry watched as Louis unlocked and then pulled a small bag of liquid out of the little fridge in his suite.  He typed called to another nurse to read out and double check his barcodes before hooking it up to Harry’s IV.  He wasn’t expecting the effects to be immediate but there was nearly instantly a creeping feeling of being just the slightest bit drowsy.  His heart rate seemed to slow to a normal pace for the first time in days. 

“I just need to put a few monitors on your chest,” Louis explained before running a cord down the neck of Harry’s teeshirt.  He pulled up the fabric to press the heart monitors into place and then clip each wire to them and Harry’s shivered each time one of the cold pieces touched his skin.  

Louis was so close that Harry could pick up his light and slightly sweet smell.  Working in a hospital, Harry was sure Louis was required to wear scent neutralizers just like any other employee, but it was still pleasant.  Just on the omega side of beta. It made Harry smile and then recognize that he was feeling a little bit dopey. 

A blood oxygen monitor was clipped onto Harry’s finger and then Louis was rolling up to him on the little stool to sit next to his knee.  

“We start the machine on the lowest increment so we don’t shock your body and then will slowly increase the rate as your body can tolerate it.  If we are able to bump it up faster, you may only be here for a couple hours. If we have to keep you on the low dose, it will take longer. I’m here as long as you need to be so don’t worry about that.  After we start, I’ll be sitting with you for at least 20 minutes to watch for any reactions.” 

Louis started to list off any of the symptoms that Harry should be watching out for, so much information that Harry was sure that he’d miss one of the most important things and end up having a heart attack.  They were pumping poison into his body after all. 

“There may be a lot of us in here at any given point but just remember that we each have a specific job to make sure we don’t make any mistakes or over look anything.  Okay?” 

Harry didn’t have much of a choice but to nod so he did and tried not to think about what was about to happen.  He reached for his bag with his free arm and fished out his blankie– the one his grandma had made for him as a baby that had traveled with him through all the stages of his life.  It was just a thing for him, a comfort, and tried to ignore any looks any of the nurses might have given him for it. He didn’t care. 

It smelled like home, not like the sterile scent neutralizers and sickly tainted aromas that hung in the air from the other patients.  He hadn’t noticed it before but it had started to make his stomach churn. It had to be a side effect of whatever was being slowly drained from the small bag feeding into his arm.

“If you’re ready, we’ll begin.”  It wasn’t as if there would ever be a time when Harry was ready to pump himself full of poison so he just nodded and held his blanket close to his body.  

The airconditioning in the room was starting to make him feel cold and he wished he had brought a hoodie or something with him.  On second thought, there were too many tubes and wires to get in the way if he would have tried to put anything else on. He tucked his bare arm underneath his blankie and tried to spread it out over his chest.  

“Are you cold?” Louis asked, reading him like a book yet again.  He produced a blanket out of a cupboard and helped spread it out over Harry’s lap, covering his legs.  It was warm and Harry immediately felt the urge to snuggle into it. 

“It’s a warming cabinet if you need another blanket or pillow,” Louis smiled and then helped spread it out higher over his torso.  It made Harry feel much better, much calmer. This time, he was sure his smile looked genuine. 

Louis unlocked the little fridge again and began to read off the names of the drugs and their numbers.  A few other nurses had appeared and each one typed or read off numbers or messed with Harry’s IV. It was overwhelming and none felt real, not yet.  He had a Frankenstein scar running from his dick to his hip, a thick IV line taped to his arm and poison about to be pushed into his veins and none of it felt real.  

He turned his head to stare out the window and tried to place himself outside of the situation.  It was early afternoon, the sky a bit cloudy though the sun was struggling to shine through. There was a flock of birds making twists and turns in the sky as a unit and everything seemed so care free. The world hadn’t paused to notice that there was a real possibility that Harry could still die from this.  The world would always just keep moving whether Harry was still a part of it or not. The thought had his heart twinging in pain. 

“Harry, are you okay?  I need you to stay here with me, okay?” Louis was holding his hand, squeezing it gently.  He lolled his head from the angle that gave him a view through the glass and gazed at the nurse in front of him.  “We’ll get you through this safely.” 

Louis squeezed his hand again and Harry weakly squeezed back.  It did feel nice to have someone there with him, even if they were virtually strangers.  

The first session passed as easily as any could.  The drugs were empty after about four hours and the hazy feeling of the Xanax-type medication had started to wear off around the edges.  

“All the contact information you’ll need is in this folder.”  Louis held it up to show him before setting it on top of her bag.  “If you start feeling any of the symptoms we spoke about or if you have any questions, there is a 24 hour number you can call.”

Louis started to unhook his heart monitor and then seemed to hesitate for a moment.  

“It isn’t exactly against the rules, but I wrote my personal number inside as well.  You really shouldn’t have to go through any of this alone so please call me if you need anything.  Okay?” 

Harry was taken aback by the gesture and there was nothing but sincere worry on Louis’ face when he looked up.  He had to clear his throat a few times before he was able to croak out an “okay”. Louis smiled and then continued to unhook all of the tubes and wires that had only just started to feel normal.  

 

—————

 

Louis startled awake swinging his fists and breathing heavily.  He couldn’t exactly remember what his dream had been but his actions seemed to suggest it wasn’t a good one.  

It took him a moment to realize that it hadn’t been the dream but rather his phone vibrating loudly on his bedside table that had woken him up.  He picked it up and squinted through sleep to read the screen, no contact information and only a number lighting up. It hadn’t been often, but occasionally there was an emergency at work so he quickly pressed accept and held it to his ear.  

“Hello?” He knew his voice sounded rough but it was the middle of the night– 3 in the morning, actually, when he pulled the phone away from his face to check.  

“You were sleeping.  I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”  

“No, no, wait! It’s okay.”  The voice sounded vaguely familiar but it took him a few moments to start piecing things together.  Deep, slow, slightly distressed… “Harry?” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to wake you up.”  

There was a soft sniff on the other end of the line and it snapped Louis fully awake.  

“No, that’s okay.  I gave you my number for a reason.  What’s wrong?” 

“I can’t sleep.  My skin is crawling, like there are thousands of little bugs crawling all over me.  I can’t handle it, I’m freaking out.” 

There was a small sob that Louis could tell he was trying to hide and Louis’ heart broke for him.  

“Did they give you any prescriptions to help you calm down?” He rubbed his eyes and tried to recall everything that had been in his chart.  He couldn’t remember if the oncologist had given him one before sending Harry to his care. 

“No,” Harry answered softly, “Nothing like that.”  

“Okay.  Try to take deep calming breaths and I’m going to give you a list of a few things to call and ask about tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow is so far away.  How do I make it stop? I can’t handle this.”  

Harry seemed to be full on crying now and Louis was already stumbling out of bed.  He went to his medicine cabinet and started to shift through the bottles of pain relievers and stomach medications to the back.  He’d held on to all the medications that had been left over from his mom and one by one squinted to read the labels. 

“Hold tight, okay?”  

He couldn’t believe he was doing this.  He could lose his license over something like this.  But he knew what he’d give Harry, he knew what would cause side effects and what they would prescribe him tomorrow anyway.  He had a soft spot for people who were suffering and he couldn’t just sit by when he had the knowledge to aid them in at least a small way.  Grasping the bottle he had been looking for, he came back to his bed room and started to kick around the clothes on the floor to find one of his hoodies he knew was around there somewhere.   

“Can you give me your address?  You can say no, but I have something that can tide you over until tomorrow.”  

“Okay.”  Harry’s voice was soft and shaking but sure of his answer.  Louis slid on some shorts and some shoes without socks while he asked Harry to text his address over.  At the last second, Louis remembered to grab his glasses and then he was starting up his car with Harry’s address queued up on his navigation.  

Harry’s apartment building wasn’t large, no more than 6 fitting into the building, but it was well kept and he found a parking spot along the dark street.  The air was a bit chilly and he pushed his hands into the pocket of his hoodie as he made his way up the few stairs and into the building. He knocked on #4 and didn’t have to wait long before the door was being opened.  

On the other side, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket like a cape, was Harry.  He was shirtless in just some low resting sweatpants and Louis could easily see the fresh scar that was still healing and angry in some places cutting through what used to be a large and precise tattoo.  He thought of his own and a pang of sadness came over him as he thought of how he would feel if one of his own had been butchered. 

“Sorry again,” Harry said, sounding just as exhausted as he looked.  

“No, don’t be.”  Louis came inside and gently closed the door behind him.  “I brought you some Lorazepam, should help you calm down and sleep.  If it helps, call in the morning and have them put through a prescription for you or find something else for you.  They usually will right off the bat.”

Louis shepherded Harry into the lounge chair in his living room and went to the kitchen to find a glass of water for Harry to take the pill.  He sneaked a glance into Harry’s refrigerator to see that there was at least a decent amount of food inside. It had become his nature to be motherly, Louis couldn’t help it, even with strangers.  He grew attached to all his patients on some level and sometimes it was hard to leave work behind if he knew someone was struggling or didn’t have the help they needed. 

“Have you been able to eat?” Louis asked once he’d returned to the living room, handing Harry the glass before fishing in his hoodie pocket for the pill bottle. 

“So far.  A little, at least.” Harry nodded and pulled the blanket closer around himself.  Louis only then noticed that it seemed to be primarily the colour pink with My Little Pony designs printed along the edge he could see.  He couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. 

“Do you have kids?” Louis asked and the immediate drop of Harry’s expression made Louis quickly swerve the question as he touched the fuzzy softness that covered Harry’s shoulder, “Or a little sister?”  

Harry looked down at the blanket and shrugged, “It just looked soft.  I like pink.” 

“Nothing wrong with that,” Louis smiled and handed over one of the small pills that Harry reached out to take.  

“You just have these around the house?”

“Left over from my mom, actually.”  Louis watched him toss back the pill and then a large gulp of water that made him cough and sputter a bit.  He quickly took the glass back while Harry recovered and set it down on the coffee table. 

“Left over?” 

Louis sat down on the edge of the coffee table facing Harry and rested his forearms on his thighs.  

“Yeah.  She had an aggressive form of leukemia.  It came on and then she was gone before we could do much about it, there wasn’t much anyone could do about it.  I know about everything there is to know about cancer treatments and none of that applied to her. It’s a different beast when it involves the blood.”  

Harry watched him with an unreadable expression for a moment like he was trying to gauge how personal he was allowed to get.  His voice was soft and hesitant when he finally did speak. 

“Do you think she knew something was wrong and then put it off until it was too late?”  

“In her case?  No. Maybe more tired for a couple weeks.  It came on pretty suddenly so there wasn’t a way for her to hide that something was off.”  

Harry nodded and focused on a point across the room in thought.  Louis gave him that time. 

“I’ve wondered if it’s my own fault I’m here.  I knew something was there, but never even thought about it.  And then when I started looking things up I saw all these things about self exams and what to watch for.  And then I remembered learning about that back in health class before any of us presented and then I just ignored it when it happened to myself.”  

“Harry,” Louis reached out and placed a hand gently on his knee, trying to ground him and bring him back to the present.  “You can’t beat yourself up about ‘what ifs’. Ninety percent of the time, it really is nothing. The doctor could have even thought it was nothing, too.  Things get missed all the time and symptoms don’t always present the same way. You should just think about the fact that they did find it when they did so they could still do something about it.”

Harry’s eyes had started to water and he’d tilted his head back in the chair to look up towards the dark ceiling.  There was only one dim light on in the room which made everything soft and shadowed, even the gentle curves of Harry’s face.  

“We’ll get you through it, okay?” Louis squeezed his knee gently and let himself really look at the alpha in front of him for a second.  It was true that he did always grow attached to his patients but it was abnormally for him to feel so connected to one, especially so soon.  His heart ached at the thought of all of his his long beautiful hair falling out and him losing any of the fat that rounded his features out perfectly.  Even as a beta, Louis still found him attractive and, even with only seeing him so far in a subdued and emotional state, Louis knew it wasn’t just physical.  There was just something about Harry that pulled him in, something magnetic. 

“I don’t want to die,” Harry whispered and it made everything seem fragile.  

“I’ll do everything I can to make sure that you won’t.  At least not from this. The odds are in your favourite and you are on a treatment with a really high success rate.  The best worst case scenario.” 

Harry gave him a small watery smile and pulled his blanket closer to his body.  

“Can I get you anything else?”  

“No, not right now.  I think it’s already starting to help a little bit.”  

Louis returned his smile and gave his knee another squeeze.  “Okay. Let me know if you need anything else, okay? I know where you live now,” he threw in a quick wink, “And don’t tell anyone I gave you that.  I’d lose my license real fast handing out prescription medications like that.” 

Harry smiled again and caught Louis’ hand as he stood.  

“Thank you.  You didn’t have to come but I appreciate it.”  

Louis squeezed his hand and had the urge to lean in and kiss the alpha’s forehead.  He caught himself and just offered a smile. He’d have to sort out that thought process later.  

 

—————

 

Harry was more prepared when he arrived for his second round of chemo.  After surviving the first rough night and a day or so of feeling a little queasy, he found that he didn’t feel all that different.  The general tiredness had been with him since his surgery but he supposed it had lingered due to the drugs. Other than those minor inconveniences, he felt mostly like his normal self.  

Though he was on medical leave, he still had the energy to pull up his work email and respond to some coworkers who were taking care of his clients and even a few new leads.  Insurance sales wasn’t exactly the kind of position that couldn’t go on without him, but it still helped to feel connected to his normal day to day life. There had even been a few days he had felt up to stopping by the office.  In his boredom of being stuck in the house, his oven had gotten lot of use and, since the smell of most of the baked goods had made his stomach turn after a while, he used the extras as an excuse to see everyone. 

He wasn’t particularly close to any of his coworkers but they all had a good working relationship, especially with the ones he shared cubicle walls with.  In order to save his job and hopefully his clients, keeping his diagnosis a secret from those he worked with hadn’t been a realistic option. Walking in to the looks of sympathy and pity hadn’t been a side effect he’d anticipated and it made the hours at home alone afterwards harder to deal with.  He didn’t want anyone to look at him differently. He didn’t want his professional life to be damaged when he couldn’t control what was happening with the rest. It was the one thing he had expected to stay constant. He wasn’t to the point of looking like he needed their sympathy yet either, not yet he didn’t think.  He didn’t exactly feel like it either. 

Apart from the night that Louis had come over, he’d even kept his breakdowns to a minimum.  The doctor had prescribed him some anxiety medication and something to help him sleep and there had only been a handful of nights that he had felt the need to take them.  

Optimism had even started to creep back in.  

So his second round of chemo didn’t feel so daunting and it raised his spirits even more to see that Louis was going to be his nurse again.  

They smiled and exchanged stories about their lives as Louis got him all hooked up again and Harry tried to think of it as a routine procedure instead of what it really was.  

“I have to go check on a few other patients and then I’ll be back,” Louis said after sitting with Harry for the first twenty minutes to monitor the beginning of his session.  They’d started his rate higher after how well his body had handled it during the first round so he hoped that he would be released even faster. He liked spending some time with Louis again but it wasn’t worth the muddled scents and clinical feeling that was starting to be a trigger of bad memories for him.  

It wasn’t long after Louis had stepped out of his treatment suite that Harry’s back started to act up.  Starting as a discomfort, it quickly grew to an ache that made him shift around in the chair. His bad had always given him some problems and he equated it to the fact that he had been spending so much time sitting and laying around in the past weeks without much physical activity.  

It grew worse, though, and within a few minutes his whole lower back was so uncomfortable that he could no longer even sit.  It took more effort than it should have to push the blankets off his lap and slide the wheeled tray to the side and then even more to try to stand up.  

On the third try, he was finally able to stand on unstable legs, hand gripping the arm of the chair in a death grip from the pain.  He tried to palm at his lower back muscles that were spasming but nothing seemed to be helping relieve the discomfort. 

“Did you need the bathroom?  You need to call before you get up,” Louis came around the corner and started to move the medications so they could roll them along to the bathroom.  

“No, my back just–” Harry gritted out and arched back as the the feeling traveled up his spine.  

Louis called something out to the rest of the staff and then was helping Harry to sit back down.  

“Just stay calm, okay?  There are a lot of us here but we all have a specific job, there’s no need to panic.”  

Harry saw that a handful of nurses had swarmed his suite before he had to squeeze his eyes shut, all of his muscles clenching painfully.  There were beeps and urgent chatter and monitors being attached to him, all of it sounding far away as he clenched his jaw and his head started to withdraw into itself from the intensity.  

“I’m giving you something through your IV to make you relax so don’t be alarmed.”  That was Louis’ voice, he could hear it clearly above the others and, true to his word, his body began to relax moments later.  Everything around him started to move in slow motion and his limbs felt like boneless jelly hanging from their sockets. He couldn’t help but smile at the sensations.  They felt amazing. 

Harry wasn’t sure how long had passed but eventually things grew quiet and when he opened his eyes, the only person in his suite was Louis.  Perched on his stool, Louis was looking between the monitors and Harry and Harry thought he looked so cute when he was being serious and nursey.  He made himself giggle. 

“There you are,” Louis smiled at him and repositioned the tubes connected to his IV line.  

“Hi,” Harry answered, slow and dreamy.  

“Got a little hairy there for a second and we had to back it off a bit.”  

Harry snorted to himself.  Hairy. 

“Feeling a little high?” Louis smirked and Harry really hoped he hadn’t just said that outloud.  “Live it up, that stuff is pretty strong.” 

“The good stuff,” Harry slurred and nodded.  He did feel good. Very good. And Louis’ hair just looked so soft.  He wanted to touch it. 

“Um, I guess?” Louis laughed and Harry furrowed his brow in confusion.  “You said you wanted to touch my hair.” 

“I did?” Oh no.  He had said everything out loud.  

“I think your thought to mouth filter is broken.”  Louis smirked and rolled himself closer on his stool.  “Have at it.” 

Harry didn’t even pause to hesitate before sinking his fingers into Louis’ hair once he’d tilted his head forward.  It was just as soft as it looked. Maybe even softer. He tugged gently at the chunks threaded between his fingers and froze when Louis let out a small noise that he quickly tried to cover up with a cough.  Kinky. 

“Ooookay, that’s enough.”  Louis gently removed Harry’s hand and returned it to his lap.  

 

—————

 

Louis sat down to fill out a few things on a patient’s chart as he waited for his final patient to be done with his treatment for the day.  It was just after six in the evening and half the lights were already out in the treatment center, the cleaning crews already starting to gather their things for the start of their shift.  

His last patient was Harry and they were waiting for a bed to admit him to finish out the last of his drugs.  It had been a hell of a day with so many complications that were usually so rare. After the drugs had nearly sent him into cardiac arrest, they’d never been able to bump up the rate which had stretched the session out for six long hours already.  The rest of the nurses had clocked out after their patients had been discharged and Louis had a hot date with some chicken tortilla soup and Netflix waiting for him at home. 

He finally received an alert that a bed had been freed up and headed down to the last occupied treatment suite to get the monitors ready to be moved.  His Crocs squeaked against the tile and echoed in the usually busy space. 

When he got to the suite, he had to pause at the sight in front of him.  He’d seen patients in all stages of cancer pass through the center but sometimes there were just those moments that stopped him in his tracks.  

Harry’s pale skin seemed even lighter as he slept in the chair, all colour drained from his face that made him look unnatural.  His hair was a messy halo around his head and his body seemed small and frail where he was curled into himself, arms locked around the tattered blankie he’d brought with him to both sessions.  

He had to swallow down the lump in his throat thinking about Harry trying to go through everything alone.  No mate or omega at home, no doting moms or grandparents, not even any close friends that he could tell. The feeling of going home to an empty house after going through a rough day with his mom was still fresh in his mind and he hadn’t even been receiving the treatment himself.  He couldn’t fathom even the mindspace of having no one there to distract and comfort, even just be there while letting it all out. 

“Harry, I need you to wake up for a few minutes so we can get you moved upstairs.”  Louis gently touched Harry’s cheek with the back of his hand, feeling how abnormally warm he was, even for an alpha.  He would have to make sure they took his temperature once they got him settled in a bed. 

It took a few seconds before Harry started to wake up, long eyelashes gracefully blinking several times while things came into focus.  

“Why?” Harry’s sleepy voice was rough and he winced when he tried to lift his IV arm to rub at his eyes.  

“This wing of the hospital closes at six so we have to admit you for the rest of your session.”  

Harry nodded and took a few minutes to wake himself up before Louis helped him transfer into a wheelchair with his bag resting on his lap.  

“I’ll see you next time,” Louis smiled and traded him off to the escort that would take him upstairs.  He felt a twinge of guilt that he couldn’t transfer Harry himself, but it had been a long day and he was ready to go home.  Some days were just more draining than others and watching Harry nearly code on his watch had done him in. 

His pace was slow as he walked back to the suite to sign off on Harry’s transfer in the system.  He was just about to switch the lamp off when he noticed a hint of colour sticking out from the white hospital blankets still bunched up on the recliner and he knew it immediately.  Harry’s blankie. 

He let out a small sigh but knew he couldn’t just hold something like that until the next time Harry was in.  That wouldn’t be for over a month. 

With the blankie over his shoulder, he grabbed his yogurt from the mini fridge and headed to the employee locker room to clock out and change his shoes.  He slid on his hoodie and then headed back towards the main building of the hospital instead of out towards his car. 

He double checked that they hadn’t changed room numbers in the system and then easily navigated his way up to the fifth floor.  It wasn’t often that he found himself in other wards but he knew them well enough to get around. 

Harry was sitting propped up in the bed flipping channels when Louis peeked in, knocking on the door frame to get his attention before walking in.  

“I think you forgot something,” Louis smiled as he held up the blankie and then set it in Harry’s lap.  “How are you feeling?” 

“Tired.  Sore.” Harry ran his finger along the edge of the blankie before looking up.  “Thanks for finding this.” 

“I figured it was special,” Louis shrugged and pulled up the chair that was placed between the bed and the wall.  

“Yeah.  My grandma made it for me when I was a baby.  Kind of childish, I guess. Thought it might make me feel safe like it did when I was a kid.”  

“Has it?”  

Harry just shrugged with one shoulder.  

“Rough day, huh?” 

Harry’s headspace was so heavy that it felt palpable in the room and Louis figured his tortilla soup could wait just a bit longer.  

“I started the day so optimistic, in such a good mood.  The highest of highs to the lowest of lows.” Harry sighed and let his arms fall limp at his sides.  

“Some of that is just side effects of what we had to give you today.  It will get better.” 

“Will it, though?” Harry asked turning his head against the pillow to look at Louis.  “It feels like it’s getting worse.”

“I guess it depends on what you mean.  The side effects from the sedatives and muscle relaxers, yes.  Some of the other things…” 

“Because I know some things are just normal but then I start to overthink.”  Harry picked a long curly hair off the white hotel sheet, holding it up before tossing it over the side of the bed.  “I was adjusting the pillow and there were just so many and I haven’t even been in here long.” 

Louis could see what he was talking about, a few loose strands stuck to the stiff white cover.  It wasn’t excessive but Louis knew it was much different to be in Harry’s shoes. 

“You could always cut it.  Sometimes that slows it down a little.”

Harry nodded.  “I know it’s stupid.  It’s just hair.” 

“No, it’s not.  It’s changes happening to your body against your will and that’s hard to come to terms with.”  

“Would you cut it?”  Harry looked at him with pleading eyes, silently begging for him to agree so he wouldn’t have to make the decision for himself.  

“What, now??” 

“No, not now.” Harry finally lightened up a little, “Maybe this week.  You could stop over and do it.” 

“I hate to break it to you, but I’m a nurse, not a hairdresser.  I’m not exactly skilled in that department. I’ll just botch it up.”  

“That will just make it more fun, make me laugh,” Harry smiled, “I’m going to lose it anyway.”  

“You’re making a huge mistake.  But I’ll try.” 

They laughed as the floor nurse came in to check on everything and reported only a few drops left to go.  

“Do you need a ride home?” Louis asked as he stood to stretch.  “And you better not say you’re driving. I won’t let you.” 

“No, I took an Uber here.”  

“You really need to tell your family,” Louis gently told him again.  

“I know.”  

 

—————

 

Harry’s review of his symptoms after his first chemo session were proven to be horribly naive after he returned home from his second round.  If he didn’t know better, he’d have thought he was back in his college days trying to recover from a late night bar crawl with an after party.  

Every motion, every smell, every thought had him racing to the bathroom to throw up or dry heave until his eyes were watering and his abs ached.  The site of his surgery was also tender from pulling himself off the floor or kneeling in uncomfortable positions. 

By the afternoon on the second day, Harry had pulled a fold up camping chair into the bathroom along with his essentials and made the small room his home.  

The little patches they’d given him to stick behind his ears and the oral medications hadn’t seemed to help and there was nothing left in his stomach but the water and Pedialyte he kept trying to drink to stay hydrated. 

He felt miserable, to put it lightly, and he had cried more than once over wanting his mom there to baby him.  He was close to breaking down and finally letting her in on the truth. As soon as he was sure he could hold a conversation without needing to have.  

It was only a few minutes after Harry had finally been able to nibble down a whole piece of dry toast that Louis called to check up on him.  It had been nearly a week and Harry had yet to reach out about their hair appointment and Harry was surprised that Louis had taken him seriously enough to remember.  

It was a Sunday and Louis had cleared his day off to come over and help Harry chop off the locks that he had left.  He had started joking to himself about living with a cat as it seemed that every day there was more of his hair everywhere but on his head.  To look in the mirror, he didn’t think anyone else would notice yet, but the handful left in the drain after his shower and on his pillow each morning made him shocked to see there was any left each time he checked his reflection.  

It wasn’t just the hair on his head, either, but the rest of it he didn’t mind.  Even after he presented he’d never been the hairy manly stereotypical alpha. There had been times he had shaved his legs just for the feel of it or his chest so he could pull off a certain look.  His manscaping had always been a priority for him as well. The only annoying part of all of that was the vacuuming. 

Louis knocked on his door just after lunch and hoped that Louis wouldn’t mind that he hadn’t dressed up for the occasion.  For one, none of his jeans were comfortable constricting and rubbing against his healing incision. For two, he just didn’t have the energy to throw on more than one of his least ratty pairs of sweats and a tee-shirt without any holes but still threadbare enough to be comfortable.  

He was relieved to see that Louis was dressed in similar attire, smiling with his arms full of a big Tupperware bowl with a lid and grocery bags hanging off his arms.  

“What’s all this?” Harry asked as he stepped aside for Louis to enter before closing it once he had.  

“I figured you probably haven’t been eating much so I made some of my mom’s soup that I swear works like magic to settle your stomach.  Okay. I lied. I bribed my sister in to making it so I wouldn’t fuck it up.” 

Louis chattered on as he headed to the kitchen and made himself at home as if he had always been part of the setting.  Harry didn’t even mind and followed along behind him. He leaned against the door frame as Louis unloaded one of the shopping bags into his fridge and then tried to find a spot to fit in the big bowl.  

It had only been a few minutes but the heavy exhaustion was weighing Harry down.  It was probably the longest he’d stood at one time in days and his legs felt weak beneath him.  

“I’m just gonna…” Harry motioned towards the living room and headed straight for his chair.  

“Oh! Yeah!  Go relax. I’m just going to put this stuff away.”  

It felt nice to have someone else in the house, the comfort of just having another presence nearby was more uplifting than he would have thought.  Louis’ beta scent was also gentle and natural to his heightened senses. It was just a hint sweet but in no way overwhelming. There had almost been an unfortunate incident the day before when he’d ventured out to retrieve his mail and nearly heaved when the sharp scent of his alpha neighbor overwhelmed him and caught him off guard.  Even the scent of omega was too much for him, the receptors in his brain turning the sweet scents sour and causing him to gag. 

He’d read about the side effects of chemotherapy on scent and many of the bullet points were directly related to fertility.  It hadn’t seemed dramatic to him yet, but he’d noticed his own scent changing since his first infusion. With the chemicals slowly affecting his ability to procreate, the chemistry of his body would slowly change to reflect that.  He wondered if he’d always smell bitter and disgusting to potential dates or if it would eventually go back to normal once he was done poisoning himself. He’d read forum posts that had talked about experiences going both directions.  The common response had been that omegas had never quite smelled the same to them again though it did start to improve with time and hormone therapies. None of their experiences were exactly like Harry’s, though. He hadn’t yet been able to find anyone with the same type nor stage that he had been diagnosed with.  The most common occurance of his type of knotescular cancer that he had been able to find had been in later stages where the alphas had their entire knot or more removed. Harry was banking on the hope that his experience wouldn’t be as extreme. 

Harry pulled the hem of his shirt up his stomach, slouched down in his chair so he could trace the aftermath of his surgery.  The incision was closed up but the scar was still raised, pink, and tender and everything beneath still healing as well. It was still sore and painful to move at times, the damage deep and extensive.  

“So you just warm up a little bowl of that at a time and– oh! Sorry, I didn’t know you were–” 

Louis spun around and Harry had to chuckle.  

“It’s okay.  It’s just skin.”  And it was. Harry wasn’t embarrassed about it, especially when it wasn’t something Louis hadn’t seen before.  It only bothered him that one of his laurel tattoos was a butchered mess but the trade off for removing the tumour was worth the damage.  

“I just don’t want to overstep,” Louis ran his fingers through his hair but then seemed to decide it was okay.  

“You’ve seen it before and you’ve seen all my charts and records,” Harry shrugged and went back to inspecting the surgery site.  

“Only the part that shows when you’re shirtless while I’m hooking up your monitors,” Louis shrugged back and sat down on the edge of the coffee table as he had the last time he’d been to Harry’s apartment.  “Looks pretty intense but at least it seems to be healing really well.” 

Harry nodded because it really was.  It was just going to take a long time until all of it stopped feeling so tender and fragile.  

“Tumour, right?” 

Harry glanced up and nodded, Louis eyes glued to the raised skin.  

“Yeah, it was pretty complicated I guess.  They had to take some muscle tissue and it had grown around some nerves and then up to here,” Harry pointed to the high point of his hip where the scar tapered off.

“Full functionality…?”  

Harry could tell Louis was trying to be respectful but Harry knew he would probably want to know the same if they were talking about someone else.  

“Dunno yet.  There’s some nerve damage, I don’t have feeling in a few parts of my thigh.” He ran his hand down his thigh, pointing out the areas that were numb on the surface.  He then slid the elastic waist of his sweats down far enough so that the whole incision line that ran up the side of his dick a few inches was visible. Sure he was technically exposing himself, part of himself, but he figured Louis was a nurse and had seen worse.  Plus he knew what it was like to have a morbid curiosity about things. 

“I think they said there was some damage to ligaments they had to cut through to get it out in one piece and then some tissue here.”  Harry ran his finger along the scar along the side of his penis, a bit of a dent there where the tumour had originated. 

“But you have full use of, ya know?” Louis asked and Harry just shrugged.  “You haven’t, you know?” 

“For a nurse you aren’t very good at asking embarrassing questions.”  Harry laughed and he watched as Louis blushed a little. “But, um, no.  I haven’t, not yet. It was too painful to even think about after the surgery and then I haven’t been feeling great with all the chemo.  Puking your guts out doesn’t really set the mood.” 

“But they saved your knot?”  

“Most of it, I guess.”  Harry ran his finger over the spot again and then realized it was probably weird to touch himself in front of people and pulled his sweatpants back into place.  “I won’t know until I, you know, jerk off or something.” 

“The longer you let yourself heal, the better probably,” Louis shrugged, “I’m sure you’ll be back in working order when you do.” 

 

—————

 

They dragged one of Harry’s kitchen chair into Harry’s bedroom, the only full length mirror that was in the apartment.  More accurately, Louis dragged the chair in after ordering Harry to sit down on the bed to wait for him. 

Harry’s hair was long, curling down past his shoulders, and it pained Louis to think about butchering such gorgeous locks.  But they were already falling out and the weight of the length would just cause it to go faster if they didn’t do something about it and Louis wasn’t about to get out a razor quite yet.  

“Are you sure you want me to do this?” Louis asked again, experimentally snapping the scissors he’d borrowed from his sister’s case open and then closed a few times.  

“I wouldn’t have let any of it get this far if I wasn’t serious.” Harry looked at him through the reflection in the mirror and rolled his eyes.  “Now just do it before I get upset and start crying about it or something.” 

“I’m not going to cut it if you’re going to cry!” Louis took a step back. 

“I cried this morning because a bunch came out on my hairbrush so don’t take it personally.”  

Louis nervously stepped up behind the chair, picking up a piece of hair between his thumb and forefinger and held it out from Harry’s head.  

“If you’re sure?  I mean, you hardly know me.  I’m not sure you should trust–” 

“Just do it!” Harry laughed and dragged a hand down his face.  “If it looks bad, I’ll just buzz it off. I’ll probably have to anyway.”  

“Okay.”  Louis took a deep breath and raised the scissors.  He opened them, moved them forward, closed his eyes and–

“You’re supposed to keep _ your _ eyes open!” Harry laughed at him through the reflection.  At least the whole thing seemed to be helping Harry’s morale.  

“Okay!  They’re open!” Louis couldn’t stop himself from snorting out a laugh before getting into position again.  

Snip.  The first piece of hair fell to the floor and Louis was still worried that Harry would turn back and say he had actually been joking.  He didn’t so Louis picked up another piece and then cut. 

That piece spiraled up into a curl and Louis giggled– actually giggled– when it happened.  

By the time he was done, Louis thought it looked like a choppy mess.  Harry assured him that it was fine but Louis didn’t miss the sadness that flashed through his expression when he saw the pile of hair on the floor.  

“Come on, let’s go get you something to eat.”  

Louis directed Harry back out to his chair while he went to go warm up a small bowl of soup.  It all felt so domestic that Louis had to pause to remember that he’d only known Harry a handful of months and didn’t actually belong in his apartment.  They had started to text on a fairly regular basis but they had still only met in person a handful of times. 

He leaned his hands on the counter while he watched the bowl spin around in the microwave.  He couldn’t see himself doing any of the things he had done for Harry for any of his other patients.  He’d never dream of slipping them medications without a prescription let alone visit a patients house.  There were probably a number of rules he was already violating just by being in contact with Harry outside the hospital.  

Why was Harry so different?  

The beep of the microwave timer jarred everything into focus that he had been in denial about since the first time he’d seen Harry sitting alone in the waiting room.  

Louis had a crush on Harry.  Not even just a crush. Louis would wager to say he was well on his way to falling in love with him.  He wanted to take care of him, kiss him, curl up with him at night. He wanted to be there through the rollercoaster of Harry’s cancer journey and celebrate with him at the end when he’d won.  He wanted to hold his hand while he told his family and be there to meet the people who had raised such a strong alpha. Alpha. Harry was an alpha and Louis was just a beta. 

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment but it really didn’t matter to him.  It even turned him on a little to think about taking Harry’s knot, Louis knew he would be gentle.  If Harry would even want a beta. 

He took the bowl of soup out of the microwave and pulled a spoon out of one of the drawers.  

Louis was in love with one of his patients and he was all sorts of fucked.  

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [here's a tumblr post if you enjoyed!](http://jaerie.tumblr.com/post/176450846272/you-gotta-swim-swim-for-your-life-a-series-by)


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